I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
