Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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