dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
