please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
