Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
