I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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