this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
