Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
