Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
kristin has been a bad kristin
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Found your dick twin last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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