I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
