Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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