i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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