Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The best revenge is premature balding
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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