I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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