I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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