how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
