Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
