Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
