And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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