so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
