Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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