he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
