i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
