i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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