She is in my trunk
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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