The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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