so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
