I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
