When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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