So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
