i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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