I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
