I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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