Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
