I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
