I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
