I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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