I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So vagazzling was a success
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
