I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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