I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
