No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
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I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
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woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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