so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
