I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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