oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
