I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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