But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
