A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
