I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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