ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
