Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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