I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
