omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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