I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
