I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
