Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
