Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Still dying that you shit outside
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
