Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
