Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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