Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
