I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
